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The before time..........
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This is the before time. if you didnt know already why this is the before time then read on and youll find out sooner or later. you will notice a dramatic chage in myself and in those around me well thats what im trying to get across here well um yeah this is the before time...........
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The first actual incident that i can actually remember was when i lived in phoenix, arizona. i was abut 5 or so and all i can seem to remember is how everyone would make me into a big joke and being the naieve person i made fun of myself at an early age. yeah i had friends but not that many. most of them were a few years older than me but still i had friends and thats a good start. so anyway all i really ever did then was stay inside or be by myself or watch my older sister do stuff we were really close. i mean really close. well thats all i can remember of that time except for preschool and kindergarten cause thats what i did with my education there. then things started to go down. lets see how can we start. um my dad lost his job and we had to move to new york. i thought arizona was a silly place anyway, its about time i went somewhere i was kinda happy to move like to have a change of scenery. and arizona was too hot anyway. so i took an aiplane to new york and the funny thing is that i can remember the in-flight movie. it was honey i blew up the kid. dont ask how i remember it i just do. so we landed in la guardia airport in new york city then we stayed at my brothers place in the bronx until my father came a few days later. then we met up with some of my dads friends and started to move all our crap into the new house in a town caled carmel its like upstate new york 50 miles from the city. this was at around the beginning of the winter time of 1992. then came christmas. i go this toy machine gun haha you dont see those much around anymore do you? well no you dont. remind you this is like at around 1991 or 1992 i cant remember im guessing 1992. and i went outside. being the clumsy bastard that i was and still am i slip on the 3 inches of ice that surrounded my house and i fell and my new toy broke in three places.well i was pissed then i started to cry. well now lets go to a time where somebody cares about what im trying to do here. the first day of kindergarden it was about january or so. this is where i find out that not everyone is happy. lets see i get my ass kicked by the majority of the class and the work they gave was borring. like in preschool they find that it is a problem that all i ever do ther is sit alone and play legos until the days over. i still have the evaluation forms somewhere "chooses to work alone," "has trouble cutting straight" basic crap. things at about now are going fairly smoothly i only had about 3 friends at about that time there was one guy named tom scorza hes like 3 years older than me. then he moved to florida and there was two other guys will and rob, will now will wants to see me bleed. then came first grade. it was a catholic school with a really bitchey teacher. i remember sitting in the desk number 17 and thats really wierd. youll find out why later. the teacher enjoyed making me look like an idiot and i was her general failure. i try to forget how i always was rediculed and how everyone hated me for no reason at all. theres not that much to say about this time but i did move to a town called kent. it was a fairly large house or so it seems i dont remember because i was so small at the time. well anyway it was out a little far from an actual town so i had to be once again by myself. all i really did was tie a long rope to a tree branch or rather my father did it was a tire swing. then i took another rope and tied it to another tree of a large size. i tied that rope to the swing. then i got in and pulled on that rope as hard as i could and it took me up the tree. i was fairly high at about 30 or so feet. i had a really big back yard that extended into the woods so i wasnt noticed. my dog died while i lived there and that was kinda sad but again i was too young to care. i set fire to a giant pile of ashes and compost. that was kinda fun not to mention hot. its amazing of what you can do with one hot coal. my cad had kittens and we gave them to my moms half sister whom came from new jersey to live up here. all i really needed then was my sega and my free time. there was a lot of cool stuff in the basement so i made stuff. it was fun. we also adopted another dog named magic. then i would still hang out with my older sister. i helped her on a report on animal behavior. that was fun at the time being because i was about 6 or so im not sure but it was a year older than what a first grader should be because i had to repeat preschool twice because i was too young to go to kindergarden. there was a safe in her room that i remember it was white. i dreamed of being able to crack it open and reveal the treasures inside. but there probably wasnt much in there. so anyway. my only friend then would have to be the bus driver that i would talk to only on early dismssals. thats when i took his bus anyway. so then we had to move because we were renting that house and the owners wanted someone who would buy it. so we moved next to a cemetary in carmel once again. i really didnt like it there because it was strange not the living next to a cemetary part though that was cool i remember going there late at night just for fun. shows you what a creep i am huh?. wow this is long isnt it? yup. so there i made my first actual friends. i was now about 7 i think i was still in first grade but mostly in second grade. well anyway i did make some really good friends there. the first person i made friends with was a kid named mike. then a while later a kid named jared. then another kid named mike who was pretty cool to be around. i used to annoy the crap out of this guy named matt. i kinda got the message that he realy didnt like me and i left him alone. this is a time in my life that borderlines between the before time and now or the recreation. so i cant really think of aything that happens now so this is the end of the before time....
The Re-creation This is the re-creation . this is where my life goes from happy and nieve to sadisim and the bittersweet taste of reality. where my life goes from 10 to -1. this is the climax of my story. i understand thus far that the story im telling is very confusing. but you will find most of your answers in the other half of the story; the re-creation..... The moon rises in a sunday night. the clock strikes seven. Now im about 8 years old. im in the living room doing something. all i can remember doing is sitting there playing with something. i dont rememebr what it was. the clock strikes seven thirty on that cold april night. My mother shows a worried look on her face. I dont know why. i just hear her talking about hows shes worried. she says that my older sister robin hasnt arrived home yet and she hasnt been home all day. as the hours go by and night turns into day, she hasnt come home. i finally realize what is going on. the days go by slowly and slowly i loose my sanity. the days are long and the nights are so cold. My friend jared says that he has seen her but does it really matter now? i cant et nor sleep. Finally i cant take it anymore.....secretly and silentlyi do what i have to do. i went into the garage and took out a crate and a piece of rope. my backyard is mostly forrest so i walked back there to find a sturdy tree. i took the rope and tied one end to the tree and made a loop on the other end. i got on the crate and as i closed my eyes to hide the tears i kicked the crate out from under me. a lifeless body just hung there. it was only thirty seconds but it seemed like an eternity. then the rope gave and i fell to the ground. i wastoo scared to try again so i left everything there and ran into the house to my room as fast as i could. there i cried myself to sleep. nothing much really happened afterward, i moved to another house and spent the summer of that year with tom scorza. i only lived down the road from him. third grade began and i turned 9. this is where it all began. The first day of school. everyone there either knew me or the didn't. and nobody did. yet for some reason they had a reason of hating me so much. if i only knew what it was. But that wasnt even the worst of it. i rememer getting mad at this girl that sat across from me but i really dont know why. se never did anything or say anything to get me mad. maybe i just liked her or something. but thats never how ideal with stuff like that. then and still now it didnt really matter to me if i were by myself or not. so i just spent most of recess alone in the far away dark corner of the playground. when nobody wants to talk to you, you grow to live with it and like it. the teachers however had a probl;em with tis and sent me to occoupational therapy where i could make some friends. it didnt work though but i didnt care i missed math class. then came fourth grade. i can still remember the first day. i sat at a table with with 2 kids that wanted me to die and go away forever. i mean these kids wanted to watch me bleed. and a few other kids whom i have never talked to the whole year. all i really rememebr that year was getting my ass kicked on a daily basis and then some. thats pretty much it. fifth grade i dont even want to remember but ill try. i....hated......fifth.....grade. nothing at all happened that year that was good. i moved again and made friends with a guy named dan and his kid brother steven. all i ever t that year were bad grades, teacher's comments and severely beaten by almost everyone. every day i ran so much from the same 5 people. sometimes i thought of killing them one by one. te very thought of it made me lauugh out loud. i dont want to continue.............
in 6th grade i transferred to a private school in a different town. i had already moved again to another house. nobody really liked me there. i decided to ignore it. i am about 12 now i met a guy named matt who live across the street from me. and now until seventh is borring all that happened was that evertone thought that i liked this girl when i thought she was a bitch, oh well. so anyway things start to go by faster. i finally meet that girl whom i have been pissing off in third grade. and i really dont talk to anyone up until seventh grade. i liked seventh grade kind of. i started to talk to people more and got hated more. i got really mad one day and threatened to kill someone then i became friends with him afterward. from the months of march to april are definitely the best time of my life so far. this is what happened. in february of 2000 i had to go to arizona because someone died....so i had to go to that and i forgot i had to do thiis book report so the day i go back so skool i said i left it at home. the next day i get sick and stayed home. after a few days i get a blood test done and i find out i have mono so i stay home for a month. over the next month i just hang out and listen to less than jake, lit and a few other cds. it kicked ass because i did whatever i wanted and got to sleep alot. my sister however never gave me my homewerk so i had to make it up when i got back. then everyone thought it would be sooooo funny if all the girls asked me out as a joke. yeah being the history i had i knew it was a joke. ok well im not going to be updating this for a long time. if i ever get around to it maybe i will but for now i wont. not like anyone actually read this whole fucking thing anyway. ok im finally working on this again... well lets see last time i left off i was in 7th grade summer on to 8th grade i had to go to summer school and iwas asked not to go back to that other school so i had to go to public school again..i liked it because i hated the other school but to this day i sort of miss it but not really. well summer school i thought was going to suck but it was actually kind of fun. i got high 90's as an average and after school i would hang out uptown until like 7 at night. this was great for me because i just liked it the fact that i coul virturally so what i want and this was when i got introduced to the punk/ska scene with pietasters and stuff. the only thing that i regret of it was when my friend told me to ask some girl out and i did and she said shed think about it and then said yes but then told me she was kidding after a week or so and that sucked. 8th grade and i was in a new school the same one i went to in 5th grade. i kept to myself at all times and i only sat at the table with matt and a few other kids. things were alright through the year mainly because i kept to myself. then i just found i prefered to wear black and stuff its not like i went goth or anything its just what i liked to do. i didnt do much homework but i still passed. english class we did creative writing... this was the first time i ever had an actual creative writing course. and at the same time i began to get depressed about some things that i dont know what thay are anymore and theyre gone now so its irrelavant to me. i also began to realize how corrupt america and the world is and i didnt want to be a part of it anymore the term unified country became false to me and i became an isolationist nationally. if that makes sense. but anyway i can still remember it. we had to write a free verse poem on topics my english teacher wrote down on the board and one of them was cut with a knife. and to this day i thank her or tha because i probably wouldnt write at all if it wasnt for that. well anyway, i was depressed and began to cut my arms at times and thats when i wrote tearing and bleeding and to this day i hate that title.i had to work with a partner and i wrote the whole poem and he named it. if can think of a better title ill rename it...someday... i wrote the whole poem in about 10 minutes and handed i in andi watched as she read it and she was shaking... i remember her exact words....this is very dark... and then she asked if i felt like this and i had to say no. at this time also i got kicked out of one of the cafeterias (there was two) and sent into the other one and then after that a bottle of powerade was dropped and we all got sent to detention for lunch for the rest of the year. that was fun because i could read the book ibought when we went to washington dc for a field trip which by th way i listenined to nothing but pietasters then cause theyre from the dc area... so anyway i got tired of reading ad wrote all of my poems for my english project in there. shortly after that i get calld down to guidence and i find out my teacher handed in my first poem to them and said i had a problem after i said i didnt and told her not to worry... i talk to him and convince him i have no problem and he bought it or so it seemed. then 9th period i get called down again and he says my parents were going to pick me up but didnt say why... my dad comes to get me and sayd im going to the therapist to get evaluated and i realize now that i wasnt able to go back to school until i got evaluated and said i was sane... so i go there talk to her and lied through my teeth because i just wanted to prove i was normal and i wanted to go home... so i did that and it worked and i went home that day... i still hate therapists and i dont want to express myself that way,......ever..... i finish my english project and hand it in and i got a 100 on it. after all i followed directions... it was the end of the year and i didnt get a year book. i graduated from 8th grade and went home and sat around enjoying the summer while i still could. i made this website and talked online. i miss the summer but i dont know why. i got into the phreaking scene and started a group with my friends. this portion is all in my journal so i dont have to type it. well lets see 9th grade was the most confusing and fucked up year of my life it was also when i started to keep writings and drawings etc. in marble notebooks that i just called notebooks. i still write in them. whenever i was pissed or depressed i wrote in them and i felt better. i always took them to school because thats when things alwyas bothered me so i wrote then to remember what i as pissed about and it was great until februaru 19th 2002......... yeah i remember that da for a reason.... i havent told many people up until now so here it is... i was really pissed this day and as a reult i got kicked out of my 4th period spanish class and went to the cafeteria and then 5th period came and i was going to hang out with charolotte but she wasnt there. i went into the library and went to the back and a group f these people at one table kept calling me harry potter so i stormed out of the library and i said very low under my breath i hope they fucking die....well this is what started i all. i heard an announcement for the skool cop to go to the library but i thought nothing of it an went to the cafeteria an sat down i saw the school administrater and got up and left he grabbed me escorted me to the office and then explained the situation...he then searched me found all my notebooks and said in exact words were goin to get you the help you need and it pissed me off sooo much like you wouldnt believe... and this was on the same day my mom had to go to school to talk to the counslers about soemthing else and i had to walk past hwr and she didnt notice me... went in to the otehr office and said i felt violated by this and th cop freaked and thouht i said violent and almost pull his gun on me...fucking dick he is... they gave my mom everything i wrote in and then i had to go back o the therapist and i could not go home until i wsa properly evaluated. so i talk to them and then to nother doctor back and forth between me and my mom for 2 hours and then they say that the guy there isnt a child specialist and i had to go to this other place an hour away from there. i still couldnt go home though... so i had to go there went back and forth from me and my mom for like a few hours and then theyu said the wanted to keep me there for a few days... so i spend the next 3 or so days in the psyche ward there which sucked... i finally got my original clothes back the thid day and then pete calls me wih charolotte whose flipping out and then i finally go home which is about freaking time too... i eventually got my books back and i gave them all to pete and theyre at his house now... so i guess thats all that really happened so far... for those of you who actually read this thing...i say get a fucking life........
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